Today is the 1st year (and 2 day) anniversary of our engagement, the tail-end of 12 months of initial anxiety and excitement over marriage–mostly anxiety.
Immediately after the engagement, I started asking Mark when he would like to get married. I got answers like “3 years or so.” These were replies I didn’t want to hear.
“I’ll be 30 by then!” I exclaimed when he suggested December 21, 2012, the day the world ends according to the Mayan Calendar.
“Ayaw mo non?” he asked; a large grin spreading across his face. “That means we’ll be together until the end of the world!” The conviction in his tone made my blood boil.
Will insurance cover the damages of a Doomsday wedding? (Photo credits: Mike Gorman / Boston Phoenix)
But the prospect of the world going down in ruins as we hand out wedding favors worries me less than the fact that I’d have to wait for so long. A part of me thought, you don’t need 36 months to prepare for a party lasting 4-5 hours. In my work, I’ve help coordinate larger, more complicated events, in rare cases, for less than a month. But besides that, I felt worried that a long engagement might indicate a lack of commitment.
However, there are many factors for this lengthy wait that have nothing to do with commitment issues. I still believe that Mark and I do not doubt that we want this but there are still matters to be considered in setting the date.
First of all, Mark’s younger brother, Ryan and his fiancee, Camyl are getting married in April 2010. They had gotten engaged in 2008. In Philippine culture, it’s bad luck for siblings to marry in the same year–a phenomena known as Sukob. I’m not completely superstitious but living in this culture has instilled some fear in me of going against certain beliefs. Without having to explain the logic of this fear, I crossed off 2010.
Secondly, my fiancee’s mom has requested that we properly space our weddings. My future in-law lives in New York and works for the United Nations. She only comes home every year or so and we have to respect her schedule.
Thirdly, we’re still saving for the wedding and eventually living together. As freelancers, Mark and I don’t have regular incomes on the 15th and 30th but we’re doing fairly well in our respective fields. Luckily, freelance gives us the opportunity to save on the daily expense that comes with full-time work, which translates into more savings and more funds for other expenditures including the wedding costs that we would like to cover as much of, as we can.
Considering these factors and after I’ve mellowed down from my initial apprehension about a Doomsday date, we decided on November 11, 2011. However, Mark’s mom reacted against all the downward strokes in 11/11/11. We quickly agreed with this. I guess Filipinos can’t help it. We find it logical to take comfort in our superstitious rules, maybe because it’s easier to explain your concerns without having to rationalize it.
But the same thing applies to the Chinese and because my fiancee has a little of that East Asian blood in him, notable in his penchant for reading Chinese Astrology, he turned to the lucky numbers of that culture and 9 came up.
Two dates were suggested next: September 9 or 10. My apprehensions for the latter is its proximity to September 11, which is an awful reminder of the day when life ended for so many people. On the other hand, it did look nice on paper: 9/10/11.
“What about September 9?” he asked. The ninth would fall on a Friday and I thought this could serve as a control measure for managing the number of kiddie guests. Personally, we prefer this to be an adult party.
Hence, our most probable wedding date will be September 9, 2011.
But, another option cropped up.
Mark and I planned a US trip at the end of this year. The downside is I still don’t have a Visa and the chances are 50/50. If I get denied, I will stay home to prepare Christmas dinner as usual–green with envy at the thought of Mark enjoying San Francisco, Las Vegas and New York together with his relatives.
If the stars look kindly upon me and send a good-natured consul who will issue an approval, then Mark and I will explore the possibility of a destination wedding: a small ceremony officiated by either Elvis in Vegas or a judge at the New York City Hall.
Getting married in Vegas requires the blessings of its King.
At this point, anything is possible–wedded bliss in sin city and/or civil ceremony in Manila–but I admit that somehow I feel that consciously waiting is something I need to distract myself from. On most days, I try not to remind myself of the engagement by keeping my ring inside its velvet box. Well, to begin with I’m not a ring person but I wear bands during special occasions or whenever i feel like accessorizing a plain outfit. I don’t even talk about it with most of my relatives, some of whom are not even acutely aware of my plans, let alone the engagement, which is fine by me. I’d rather surprise them one day with an invitation. However, I realized that my impatience is deeply-seated in the greater cultural view of relationships in the Philippines.
We have a dominantly patriarchal society, which is reflected in the double standards that exist between men and women. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, parents tend to be stricter with the girl. There are rules that prevent the boy from setting foot in his significant other’s room. By contrast, men can get away with it more easily. Obviously the reasons include a parent’s fear that this encourages physical intimacy and when that intimacy results to an unplanned pregnancy, mom and dad will tell their daughter that in this situation, she gets the shorter end of the stick. By contrast, some girls do go on to become successful single moms. The other outcome is a shotgun wedding.
Mark and I are old enough (He’s turning 35, I’m 27) to be aware of the consequences but at the same time I am uncomfortable with the idea of double standards.
With an engagement, your union is one step away from becoming legit. An engagement is an assurance to both sets of parents that you are ready to take on the domestic duties of marriage, including the possibility of having a child. Ideally, it should make them feel more at ease about leaving their daughter (literally?) alone with her fiancee.
True enough, after our engagement, my parents became more relaxed with the idea of Mark hanging out in my room, but I keep the door open, of course. I admit that I’m still not fully comfortable by the thought of my parents knowing that I am within a few millimeters from him. I even tend to fume at Mark when he tries to hug me in their presence. Now that I think about it, I guess I have a little of the old-fashioned Filipina in me, in spite of my self-proclaimed pride in being a “modern-day woman.” Maria Clara‘s blood still flows in my veins, and together with it, her bashful constraint. Somehow, a part of me upholds the patriarchal mindset. Men can get away with intimacy; women can’t. My fear legitimizes the hegemony of male domination.
Hence, the longer the engagement, the longer I’d have to wait until we’re “100% legitimate.” Only then can I feel 100% comfortable about being with Mark without a parent breathing down my neck.
Old-school Love: Before getting engaged, Mark and I were limited to staying in the living room.
Despite this, Mark and I have personally chosen to step out of the constraints that define gender roles. We recognize and respect that there are couples who choose a traditional approach to relationships and managing the home. By contrast, we consciously want to be both mother and father, husband and wife, in this relationship. In many ways, we don’t want to go by-the-book when it comes to building a life together, beginning with our wedding.
As of now, Mark and I have a theme in mind: books. It won’t be a traditional celebration in many ways. First of all and as mentioned earlier, we intend to cover as much of the costs as we can in addition to our parents’ contributions. Whereas, traditionally, the man’s family pays in full for the wedding. Second, we plan to write our own vows and create our own symbols. A lot of people are taken aback by our decision to forego a Catholic wedding, which includes vows characterized by traditional male and female roles but this has nothing to do with disdain for our faith. What is more important to us is having a highly personal ceremony.
By-the-book Wedding: Mark and I plan a non-traditional fete filled with books.
In the meantime, Mark and I have about a year or so to get ready. We’ll take each day with a grain of salt. We may not be legally hitched yet but we’re sure that this is what we want: to be there for each other till death, or doomsday, do us part.
– Punky
By the Book Wedding 